Backstories; everyone has them. Sometimes we are close enough to know the backstory while other times we allow our minds to write another’s backstory from perception. The backstory to my current pregnancy is messy yet beautiful, excruciatingly disappointing yet hopeful. These words I share are birthed from my 2.5 year wrestling match with God.
It was the end of 2017. With a new year around the corner, my husband, David, and I discussed and prayed about having a fourth child. We decided we were open to having another child. I think he was more ‘open’, while it was a burning desire in my heart. I knew that I wanted to get my body in shape before getting pregnant, from both a personal aspiration and practical standpoint as the extra weight was hard on my back with previous pregnancies. So began my quest for a body reset. I started exercising a bit at home. Five minutes on the bike and a few weights was about what I could start with. I built up endurance to exercise longer and harder over time. In spring, we began walking outside and doing hikes at the park. After prayer and research, I shared with David about my desire to come off of anti depressant medication (medication I had taken over the years, since my twenties). My thought was that I was getting my physical body healthy and the Lord had done a lot of work on my heart over the previous four years. Through four years of counseling, walking through past traumas, EMDR (light therapy to help your brain refile traumatic memories) and life changes, I thought my brain was better equipped to function without antidepressant medication.
Hope and anguish intermingled simultaneously in my heart. Hope that the Lord would take away the internal struggle I have lived with for so long and anguish from the pain of the process. Still staying plugged in at church and life, we continued on with our activities and responsibilities. As I stepped out in faith, every decision, provision and sustaining was bathed in prayer by us and many others around us.
In April 2018, following my psychiatrist’s tapering instructions, I took my last dose of the medication. To have the best chance at coming off the anti depressant medication, I had a physical and blood tests run; checking for any physiological causes contributing to the depression and anxiety. The tests revealed that my thyroid was on the border of needing medication and I had a MTHFR gene mutation. I decided to hold off on medication for my thyroid, committing to be diligent with exercise and eating healthy. Having the MTHFR gene mutation means my body doesn’t process folate and other B vitamins correctly. This leads to lower B vitamin levels. B vitamins play a role in producing brain chemicals that affect mood and other brain functions. Low levels of B vitamins can be linked to depression. I was so relieved to have what I thought was a cause to my depression and anxiety. The doctor recommended taking a food grade medicine that would provide my body with the proper levels of folate. “Yes, this is it! This is why I’ve had depression and anxiety,” I thought. So relieved to have a cause and a cure, I expectantly awaited the folate prescription in the mail. I took the prescription for a month. While I could tell a bit of a difference in my mood, my stomach did not tolerate the medicine well and I decided not to continue it. Disappointment set in. I began to question if I would find a definitive and repairable source outside of emotional or brain chemistry. Next, I had a food sensitivity test done to see if there were foods causing inflammation in my gut, preventing the proper brain chemicals from being produced and carried to the brain. The food sensitivity test revealed certain foods that were causing inflammation. I followed the protocol, eliminating those foods from my diet for a period of time, reintroducing them at the right time. Again, there was no significant change in the depression and anxiety. In summer, I started with a personal trainer for exercise. The exercise helped me move toward my physical goal of losing weight and getting in shape, however the depression and anxiety continued.
Through several methods, the Lord led me to a verse and I clung to it with every ounce of hope I had. Romans 4:20 says: “Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God.” It is about Abraham and his reaction when the Lord told him that he would have a son. Despite the physical realities (him and his wife being so old and his wife being barren), he did not lose faith, but trusted that God would do what He said He would do. For the next several months, I clenched onto the hope that the Lord was going to heal my mind of the depression and anxiety. Against the odds of my own body’s components, He was able. The next two years would be painfully confusing. It wouldn’t be until 2020 when I understood that this verse He led me to was not about me being healed of depression and anxiety, rather about my body being able to conceive despite the odds against it.
By fall of 2018, I joined a bootcamp gym and continued daily exercise. While the depression and anxiety trickled back in waves, they really set back in heavily about four months after coming off the antidepressant medication. I repeatedly cried out to the Lord for a work of His hand and direction. I was so frustrated. I had sought out everything I knew to check for any physical causes, yet still had no helpful answers. I did not want to have to take a medication if my body was indeed capable of producing the proper levels of brain chemicals.
I researched and prayed about a next step. David and I discussed it and agreed that I would seek out a Naturopath doctor. We met with the Naturopath and asked questions. Hopeful, yet growing weary, I took a test to measure my brain chemical levels (such as serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, cortisol, etc.) The results showed I was low in brain chemicals that affect mood regulation. With the results of the test, the Naturopath prescribed targeted supplements to help my brain build back its supply of the low brain chemicals. I began these supplements but was still very much having depression and anxiety. “Maybe this would be the way the Lord would heal my mind,” I thought, “through restoring my brain chemical levels.” It seemed promising. Over a month in, I could see small improvements in the depression and anxiety, however, it wasn’t enough. In the beginning of December 2018, I made the excruciating choice to go back on the antidepressant medication. I began questioning whether the Lord led me to try this and pursue each avenue or if I was pushing my own agenda. I was beyond disappointed, but kept trusting even when I couldn’t see any glimmer of redemption. Some days that trust was easy, other days I had to force myself to trust and quite honestly some days I didn’t have the strength to trust.
The Lord was so faithful to provide what I needed, when I needed, as my body again adjusted to the anti depressant medication. From prayers, to visits from friends and family, to many opportunities to share my story and God’s faithfulness in the midst of the struggle. In January of 2019 I had the privilege of speaking at my MOPS group (Moms of Preschoolers) about trusting God’s plan for redemption even when we don’t understand or see. Sharing the raw details felt so cleansing and healing.
In spring of 2019 I had tests run at my OBGYN as I was experiencing what seemed to be premenopausal symptoms (night sweats, irritability, etc.) The tests revealed that my estrogen levels were dropping, which was causing the symptoms. Knowing that I was trying to conceive, the doctor also ran tests to check my reproductive hormone levels. The tests revealed that while “anything was possible,” the chances of me getting pregnant without fertility treatment would be slim to none. The quantity and quality of eggs I had left were low. If I did get pregnant, the chances of the egg making it past a miscarriage, growing into a fetus were questionable. The doctor said while it was always possible that I could get pregnant on my own, given my age and levels, if I wanted another child I should seek the help of a fertility doctor. I was crushed, in a state of denial about the data. Prior to this appointment and test results, I was completely naive about getting pregnant. Not having any trouble getting pregnant with our first three children, the thought never entered my mind that my body might not be able to get pregnant again. David and I discussed and prayed about it. We did not feel led at that time to seek fertility treatment. We decided to keep trying despite the medical odds not being in our favor.
Fall of 2019 brought the tragic news of my sister’s sudden death. While I was grateful to have the assurance that my sister was home with the Lord, navigating my heart through the grief of loss and trying to maintain hope for a fourth child often felt defeating. Some days I felt hopeful that there was still a chance at pregnancy and other days I felt like all hope was lost.
By 2020 while I still wanted a fourth child, it hurt to hope. I began praying that the Lord would remove the desire for a fourth child from my heart if it wasn’t in His plan. March was the beginning of shutdowns due to the coronavirus. I was quickly occupied with our oldest finishing school digitally from home and preschool activities with our other two children. In May I was feeling some pregnancy symptoms (nausea, sensitivity to smells, etc.). I did not want the disappointment of another negative pregnancy test. I put off taking a test. When the symptoms didn’t go away, I reluctantly decided to risk the disappointment and take a test. To my amazement, the test was positive! I did what any normal person would do and took another test the next day! It too was positive! Summer started with a sweet time of sharing the news with our family and friends.
When deciding on a name for our new baby girl, we chose Hope Etsuko. While hope is used throughout the Bible, the passage that is so personal to my heart from this struggle is Romans 5:1-5 (specifically verses 2-5). Romans 5:2-5 says: “…And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Etsuko is a Japanese name meaning child of joy. We are incredibly humbled and reminded that our hope and joy are only found in and from the Lord.
While my desires in this process were to lose weight, come off antidepressant medication and get pregnant, I can see God’s hand and faithfulness even though He did not meet all of the desires in the time or way I would have chosen. He is teaching me that the heavy weight of depression and anxiety are actually lighter than the chains I thought I had shed. Unknowingly I kept binding myself with the chains of caring what other people may think. I was still living with shame over needing to take antidepressant medication. Turns out that freeing me from the bondage of shame and idolatry of other’s opinions was what my heart needed more than anything.
After these past couple years of wrestling with the Lord, I’ve come to accept that only He can understand why He chooses to heal some on earth and others in heaven. He tells us in Isaiah 55:8-9 that our ways are not His ways, that His ways are higher than ours. I find such assurance in the verse that follows, Isaiah 55:11, His word that goes out from His mouth will not return to Him empty, but will accomplish what He desires and achieve the purpose for which He sent it.
The Lord compassionately opened my eyes to see a blind spot. I didn’t realize how much I had repositioned my focus from the hope of the glory of God to the hope of my body not needing to take anti depressant medication. May you see His faithfulness even when it seems like He’s withholding, not listening, stopped caring or stopped answering.
A wise person once shared her view on God’s answers. Suggesting that He gives one of three answers: yes, not yet and I have something better. I have come to know that no matter what His answer is to each desire, there is no greater possible peace than knowing you are in the center of His will. He holds the time. If we allow Him the access, He simultaneously holds our hearts. He applies salve to the wounds when we don’t understand, transforming them from gaping open wounds to scars. Even if it takes a wrestling match to come to accept!
